Cetacean Blog

2003-05-13T11:59:00.000Z

This morning woke up to the news that there has been a terrorist attack in Saudi .. probably Al Quaida. I am amazed that there appears to be such outrage - what do people think would happen after the response in Afghanistan and Iraq? I have been reading the Koran ( I am one of those people who doesn't like to have an opinion unless I have done some homework) and I have to say that it is almost identical to the Christian Bible. I may have missed it but there is nothing in there which urges muslims to kill christians - rather it preaches tolerance and forgiveness. I always suspected that "fundamentalism" is like the Christian version - its a power kick based on politics with little reference to God or Allah.

I think the hippies had the right idea - love and peace

2003-05-13T06:40:00.000Z

I just realised how long it is since I blogged.

My mum died about 6 months ago and I finally got round to going through her papers.... and guess what? I found a load of photos and certificates which have enabled me to construct a family tree with a lot of detail going back about 200 years. I always thought it was sad doing this but I really got hooked. It got me thinking though about those people in Iraq who just "disappeared" - their families will always have question marks - even if they find their bodies then how and when they died will not be complete. So the horror will live on down the generations - perhaps we owe it to our children to construct our family trees and to give them as much info as possible for them to carry on.

I was listening to a prog on Radio 4 about brothers and sisters who share one parent and don't know and end up unwittingly in a sexual relationship. If each of us was given our family tree then at least we would be able to spot these things - the attraction may remain but at least the information would not be hidden. So what if your "father" is not your real father but he doesn't know - according to something I read this is true for about 20% of people .. mother keeps mum about being naughty.

I am fascinated by what I found out about my family - way, way back we were connected to a wealthy family. That must be where I got my taste for the high life ( but obviously no money to go with it!!!)

2003-04-24T10:27:00.000Z

Am still on a high from the holiday - so much so that I started doing some spring cleaning today.Just as the bin men disappeared down the road I appeared with a bag full of junk. Can anyone explain to me why I collect carrier bags?

As the weather has been so good I have been tackling my front garden. As it is a mix of full sun and full shade the previous owner wrote it off with bark chippings. Unfortunately I have two cats to whom bark chippings = catty loo heaven! You can only imagine how pleasant a job it was to clear it all off and dig what can only be described as concrete earth. Anyway after a whole winter the good old worms have done their stuff and have made the soil useable again - helped by husband and a pickaxe. Went to the garden centre this weekend and blew the next 12 months earnings on plants. The plot looks stunning now with lots of little plants that will be mega this time next year.

I used to laugh at my mum's obsession with her garden - but now she has died it has transferred to me .. spooky or what?

2003-04-16T16:58:00.000Z

I have just come back from 2 weeks holiday in Kenya - it was absolute magic. We spent the first week on safari - and what an experience. We saw the most amazing animals who were completely unfazed by these strange people with cameras pointed at them almost touching them we were so close. At one point we got in the middle of a herd of elephants and got a very hard stare from the senior matriach at the rear whose baby we were rather close to... hasty retreat was beat.

What touched me is that there seem to be 3 societies in Kenya - the luxury one reserved for tourists and "the elite", the small middle class who work in industries and then the rest who are so poor that it is a wonder they survive. The new government there is doing all it can to try and redress some of the corruption which has kept the poor poor so if you can do anything to support them please take the opportunity.

Oh yeah - and I discovered I am allergic to goat!

2003-03-28T16:29:00.000Z

I have a strong family history of breast cancer and have been invited to join the patient advisory group for the policy on how people like me are treated by the system. I went to the first meeting on wed and met a small group of women in the same position. I felt honoured to be in their presence and glad to not be alone. I learned more about breast cancer in those few hours than I have learned through all my readings and questioning the medical profession.

My heart went out to the young woman who sat next to me. Her mother had died in January aged 36, 3 months after being diagnosed. She was a single parent and this woman at aged 20 had been left alone with no job and two young children to bring up. She was not complaining but quietly over lunch told me how hard she was finding it learning how to run a house and be mum. She had had her first night out on Saturday since her mum got ill and had been to a club - and some vile scroat had stolen her bag while she was there. I am usually a bleeding heart liberal and try and do the well they must have been in need - this time I would like to get hold of them in a locked room for half an hour and make them face her and her life.

2003-03-28T16:22:00.000Z

I have been watching much of the news on the 24 hour news channels in my local gymn while exercising - the benefit of this is that you can watch with the sound off and therefore interpret what you see without being directed by the commentator who may or may not be biased. What I have seen has humbled me.

I have watched young soldiers doing a dangerous and difficult job with grace and dignity. I watched two soldiers go into an Iraqi town and be greeted by the people there who were in danger of giving them RSI they were shaking their hands so hard. These were the same men who earlier had been firing at their town. They behaved with grace and dignity - no rejoicing or raising salutes .. just handing over their rations and water where they could see it badly needed. I watched a British Soldier outside Basra being cautiously approached by young children. As they got closer he lowered his gun and put his hands in his pocket and handed out packages of sweets. A small girl in a red dress watched without approaching and he noticed her and coaxed her to no avail. As he turned away to pick up some bottles of water to throw to the children she approached him shyly and stroked his leg. She got her sweets and water. People dealing with people .. no politics involved. The soldier had, the children wanted, the soldier gave. That soldier must have known that any one of those children could be a decoy for a sniper or carrying a bomb but humanity prevailed.

I am not convinced that Sadaam was a threat to the rest of the world - this is about changing the face of the middle east but I think I am humble enough to say that it looks like whatever the reason the outcome will be good for the majority of the Iraqi's. How can a rich country have people who are hungry, uneducated, unable to say what they think and don't even have shoes on their feet? The allies must complete their task now - we cannot let the Iraqi's down as we did last time.

The other thing this has done is in my view revealed that the UN is no more effective than the league of nations. I would have respected france and russia for their views were I not able to check out that they have billions of dollars worth of business with Sadaam as his two main suppliers of arms. They have a vested interest in his regime being allowed to continue. National interests again overruling the world view. I suspect however that the UN is now well and truly f****ed. Without the Americans it has no teeth to impose it's will and I suspect the American's will now dismiss it and choose to exert their power as the world's policeman without them. Perhaps Blair can keep them honest as they do this. Britain has the skill and experience if not the firepower!

Peace is a noble end - but sometimes we have to be prepared to go to war to win peace. Peace has to be for everyone .. not just those of us who live in democracies with nice warm houses, enough food to eat and water to drink, schools for our kids and medical treatment for our sick ( try the NHS out on the Iraqis or the Kenyans and see how much they complain!) AND the right to say whatever we think and believe out loud with no fear of reprisals. No-one has dragged anyone here out of bed and locked them up without trial for protesting about the war. EVERYONE has the right to this - so for those of us who have self righteously said not in our name perhaps we ought to reconsider. I don't like war and wish it wasn't happening but sometimes you have to be the Good Samaritan and lend a hand rather than the Pharisee and pass by on the other side.

Here endeth me hopefully being big enough to admit I was wrong and selfish

2003-03-21T17:29:00.000Z

At War
Have been listening to the progress of the war on the radio all day. It seems strange that some families are sitting worrying about their young men and women who are in the thick of this conflict and for the rest of us life goes on as it ever does. This must have been what the second world war was like for most of America - a sort of news item that was happening somewhere else and to someone else.

I don't believe that the west has made the case for war with Iraq - but I have to believe that they know something that they can't tell us .. Now that it has started I pray that it will be brought to a conclusion as swiftly and with as little loss of life as possible. Perhaps the removal of Saddam and the introduction of a prosperous democracy ( using their own inherent wealth from oil) which will see their children fed and educated, people allowed to read and think and speak as their conscious dictates and to live without fear will be some recompense for the Iraqis for the terror we are now inflicting on them. Who knows? I just hope that Bush does not use this as an excuse to gain control of the country's oil and leave the Iraqi's dependent on the USA to give them a power base in the middle east. I am not yet convinced about his motives.

I wonder if we would be here if it had been London that was hit on 11/9????

2003-03-19T17:47:00.000Z

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you - whatever we were to each other , that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed, at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means more than it ever did - it is the same as it ever was - there is an unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near: just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland 1847 - 1918

couldn;t have put it better myself!

2003-03-19T17:35:00.000Z

I haven't written for a while - not sure if it was because I didn't know what to say or that I didn't want to face up to what I needed to say.

My mum lost her last and bloodiest battle with cancer just before Christmas. It was very cruel - she was unable to drink which made her tongue like leather and must have felt horrible, and she couldn't talk.. and my mum loved to talk. She has lived alone since my dad died 6 years ago and has gone for days with no-one to talk to apart from a quick 5 minute phone call from me. I knew she was lonely but I was going to get round to fixing it eventually - when?

Despite her pain we managed to communicate and I got to spend about 3 1/2 weeks with her as she became more and more frail. She never lost her sense of humour - or her faith in God. She told me she could see my dad in her hospital room - funny that I couldn't see him but I could sense him. That's when I knew the end was near. Like Halley I had to sign the DNR ( Do Not Ressucitate) order and agree to go for palliative care rather than trying uselessly to make her better. Like Halley I wonder if it was for my benefit or hers - but I think that I made the decision for the right reasons.

The weather has been good this week and I have been planning my front garden - a task she was going to help me with. She had green fingers and mine are definitely orange! The fuschia cuttings she gave me have both bust into flowers on my kitchen window in the sun .... and I miss my mum!!

I am 41 years old next week - supposed to be a grown-up and I WANT MY MUM! Things happen in my life and I pick the phone up to speak to her - the phone just rings and rings. Why can't she just answer once so I can tell her how angry I am with her that she has abandonded me. I only realised today that I couldn't cry about her because I was so damned angry with her for dying when I haven't finished needing her. As I am writing this the tears are pouring down my cheeks - are they for me or for her? I don't know. Probably for me - she is happy now, free of pain and back with my dad.

We don't cry for the dead - we cry for the living. For the person they were we will now have to live without. My parents loved me very much and I am left with the overwhelming sensation of having been loved and still being loved. My husband will be relieved that at last there have been tears - I think he has been waiting for me to implode!

Now - the paperwork!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2002-11-05T17:16:00.000Z

Spent yesterday in the garden getting it ready for winter. My Acer Palmatum which I bought for the "deep red foliage which brightens up an autumnal garden" has shed all its leaves and is bare twigs. Have spent most of the day off and on hunting for advice on the web - and it let me down so if anyone is reading this and knows about them HELP!

Actually it was really satisfying in the garden - when you spend your day working intellectually you forget just how satisfying it is to break your back in something physical.

Also bumped my car last week - I reversed into a bollard!! Hopefully the trembly bottom lip will persuade hubby to get it fixed!!!

2002-11-05T17:13:00.000Z

I am sitting here with fireworks going off all around me. My poor little cats are terrified... despite my assurances. I have music, radio or tv on full blast in every room to try and create a bang free environment.

Makes me think - how do you explain fireworks to animals? and what about those who are wild or out in fields. I am not a party pooper but they have been going off for about a month now which is sustained torture for the poor things

2002-10-31T17:27:00.000Z

Gosh - its over a month since I wrote in here. Well its been a pretty hectic time. Had a week in Mexico ( Cancun) in the sun. Wonderfully relaxing and managed to snorkel on the reef for the first time ever. It was brilliant seeing all the sealife down there - what an eco system! I then read that weather and human intervention is destroying these reefs at a phenomenal rate - why? Can we do nothing to protect them. I was amazed that having been told not to wear suncream as it harmed the reef several people in the group were plastering on the lotion before hopping in the water. What is it about today's society that assumes that our action doesn't count and everyone else will obey so we don't have to? Each and every one of us is a guardian of the world for the small people who this evening are knocking on my door in wierd and wonderful costumes with a carrier bag to collect this week's ( and probably next week's) sweets. We appear to have little respect for nature and the wonderful world which we share with other creatures.

I missed my mate's hen party last Sunday because I was stuck in Yorkshire. Rather than whinge about it we made the most of it and had a good day walking - however I have spent most of this week listening to people whinging about having had a power cut which was not restored instantly. These are the same people who moan about prices - People low prices means no money for investment which means overhead lines remain and these are vulnerable to being blown down and having trees fall on them ergo if you want uninterrupted supply you have to pay more. I wonder how many of these people made any effort to check up on the more vulnerable elderly or housebound people and check that they had a hot drink and something warm to wear or snuggle under? Is it just me who is becoming increasingly incensed by this "me" society? I have just had a blazing row with my husband about his "me" attitude when I asked him simply to rearrange the order he was going to do something in to make it possible for me to keep an appointment that I had changed to tonight to accomodate him previously. He finally understood this was not about control but about give and take ie not always me giving and him taking but that it worked the other way occaisonally too.

Am in the process of setting up my own business - I just wish I could get beyond the govt's paperwork so I could actually do some paid work! I miss my PA she used to do all this. Never mind am getting an accountant on Monday who will sort it all out ( including the mess I have made of my VAT registration!)

Hey ho! Off for a whizz on the broomstick!

2002-09-23T12:48:00.000Z

What a weekend - I need a week off to recover!!!

Had a wonderful conversation with someone this morning about The Celestine Prophecy - around serendipidity. I have had a run of remarkable coincidences in the last few months which are leading me down a particular path. Still haven#'t decided what I want to be when I grow up though.

.. maybe as Dylan says "May you stay Forever Young"!!

2002-09-16T17:43:00.000Z

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

I found this on a card when I was tidying up - I think I will take this as my motto!

2002-09-16T12:30:00.000Z

Monday morning again. I woke up feeling really positive about life today - not normal I grant you for a Monday. We had a really busy weekend - lots of exercise, fresh air and fun with friends. Amazing how much more energetic you feel when you spend energy ... why can't money work the same?

2002-09-12T17:39:00.000Z

I watched all the coverage of the first anniversary of 9/11 yesterday. What struck me is how much of the "ceremony" was still about revenge. I was unsurprised as a result of this to find so many of the families were struggling to find their own peace and closure. I have always found that until you forgive and accept that another wrong will not undo the wrong that has been done but rather will multiply it then it is hard to find your own peace and to move on.

I am horrified when I listen to the proposals about action against Sadam Hussain. I agree the man is not a good man but he has done nothing to warrant the world attacking him. They had their chance to remove him and bottled it - so be it the chance has gone. I am concerned that the US is becoming the bully of the world. Have they learned nothing from 9/11? Did it occur to them that to get a voice with the worlds only superpower you have to do something dramatic to get their attention? Would they have listened if Bin Ladan had sent them a message? I doubt it. Just because parts of the world are different does not mean that the US should americanise them. While there are some nice and normal americans they appear not to be the ones who form the vocal minority - or the tourists. I am tired of meeting Americans on holiday and listening to them complain about the accomodation, people, food etc - as it is not American. Isn't that the whole point of going somewhere different - somewhere that is different than home? Perhaps the silent majority need to stand up and be counted. Even Nelson Mandella has spoken out against this course of action. The UN disagree - does this mean that the US will be expelled from the UN if it attacks Iraq? Will Britain for supporting him? Though it sounds like it is Blair and Duncan-Smith as opposed to Britain ... I have yet to read or hear anyone supporting them.

I read in the Times this morning about the families filing past ground zero. One of the stories touched my heart about a young woman with two small children - one of whom was born after his father died there. I can only hope that she manages to bring up her children not to hate but to try and understand. I wish her peace.

2002-09-10T12:01:00.000Z

Wow - I have just come back from my first gymn workout after 3 years and I feel brilliant. My body feels tired but energetic ( rather than the usual lethargy) and with the sun shining I feel able to tackle a horrid job I have been putting off for ages!

Booked my first holiday on the web last night - am going to Mexico ( yippee) and got it for about !/2 the brochure price. Mind you I think I should have done some research first - I checked out the hotel this morning and it says the enetertainment is of a "very adult nature"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still there look to be some brilliant sight seeing and diving out there so we'll just keep to ourselves ( showing my age eh?)

Still - sun, sea and time alone with hubby here we come!

2002-08-29T15:03:00.000Z

After years of saying I couldn't see the fun in it I went for my first "structured" walk - okay a circular pub walk - on Sunday. It was really good fun. We did 3.75 miles and then yesterday 4.5 miles. It struck me that I have travelled all over the world cooing and aahing over the scenery and I was oblivious to the great scenery within 5 miles of where I live! I am now off to kit myself out with a stick though as me and the nettles nearly did serious battle - with me losing!

It was my husband's 40th birthday and it was his wish that we did an action packed day. I am currently between jobs so have enough time to fix something up so..

- he went for a run while I fixed a full English breakfast for him ( and toast for me as I can't bear food in the morning!)
- we did the walk and ended up with a "pub lunch" which was scrummy
- we then planted some things in the garden he got as pressies - is this the first sign of the decline into middle age??
- played tennis for an hour
- cooked dinner for us and some friends
- partied late into the night ( luckily the bottle recycling service came about 12 noon today - I hid!!!!!!!!)

Part way through the partying I started to think about those people who get depressed when they hit 40 - and trying to work out why. I feel as young and probably fitter than I ever have ( apart from the creaky joints first thing in the morning in winter). I have loads of friends with shared experiences, I have more patience and ability to see others point of view, more appreciation of the beauty around me and of beauty of people being more than what they look like.. I have confidence to chuck in my job because I don't like it and trust that I will not starve, I have loved and been loved and still do and am, I have a sense of who I am .... the only thing that is still missing is I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I was thinking about the sort of jobs I have done and realised that when I was young they were done by grown ups - its scary when you realise that there aren't any grown ups around any more isn't it???

2002-08-21T16:21:00.000Z

JESSICA AND HOLLY

I have been trying to understand what it is that makes an adult do something so horrible to a child and then try to cover it up. I am not normally a blood thirsty individual but I find myself feeling that there has to be something that will act as a deterent to some of these people. No-one completely sane does this to a child - so they must both be mentally disturbed - but how do you determine the degree and who is dangerous? If these two had been "screened" would anything have showed up - they seemed perfectly ordinary and normal on TV when they claimed to have been the last people to see the girls - well I guess they were though not quite how we interpreted it at the time.

What must the parents be going through? It is likely to be a long time before they can bury their daughters. I even heard they are going to be spared identifying their bodies as they are not identifiable. It is interesting that it has taken 4 days for forensics to confirm that they are the girls.

I pride myself in being able to walk in other's shoes but I have no concept of these two individuals and what their shoes must be like. I cannot find it in myself to understand what they have done and why. Euan talks on his blog about evil being the absence of love - if so then why is it that other people who have no love in their lives and are completely isolated do not harm others. I don't have an explanation for this perhaps it is something to do with power and inadequacy, perhaps Euan is right.

Am I suffering from evil because I can't find anything in me to feel anything but revulsion for these two people? If the parents are to find any peace they will have to find the strength to forgive them -though God knows from where and how - otherwise they will be consumed with hate and the desire for revenge. Perhaps that is the love of God that Christians talk of - the ability to forgive those who have committed an unforgiveable crime against you?

I know that it has made me hug my god children a bit more often since. I have also ( along with their parents) tried not to restrict the small freedoms they have but to try and make them streetwise so they can be as safe as possible. BUT IT IS HARD - every fibre of your being wants to hide them away when anyone so much as smiles at them.

2002-08-20T07:30:00.000Z

I am spaced!

Yesterday I experienced a taster course which used horses as the trainers! Basically you went along with something that you were having trouble with in your personal style - from closing a sale to creating energy for change was on offer yesterday. The faciliators then give you a challenge to work with the horses as a metaphor for that problem. You demonstrate with the horses your normal approach/style and it is fairly evident to everyone watching that you are doing something wrong. The horses respond to your actions and body language immediately, objectively and very obviously. The facilitator and the other observers then coach you through questions about what is happening and ask you to relate this to your problem. You are then encouraged through questions to try some other things and the horses respond appropriately. Eventually you find the "answer" and the adrenalin rush and feeling when you and the horse act as a team to do the challenge is out of this world.

Interestingly those who were experienced riders and horsey people tended to be as bad or even worse than the rest of us. It also demonstrated some appalling leadership and consultancy behaviour that people were unaware of. This even demonstrated itself in trying to PUSH a ton of horse physcially to do something - with the expected results. If that is how we behave with people then it is hardly surprising that the world is in the mess it is. There are some politicians who could benefit from this!!

The horses were brilliant as trainers - interestingly you could not communicate with speech with them only with action and body language. When you had cracked it it was brilliant and the horses responded beautifully - makes me wonder if we overplay speaking as a way of getting people to buy our message. Think of companies where the board and CEO make great statements and noone believes them - perhaps they are not communicating with the horses!!!!

It was very evident that you had to have a clear picture of what success looked like and keep a firm grip on that for the horses so they knew what you wanted them to do. For example looking where you were heading rather than at the horse.

Lessons for me also were once you got them to do what you wanted leave them alone to get on with it. Didn't Jack Welch say something about a good leader was one who clearly communicated what the objective was, made sure the team had the skills and resources to achieve it and then got out of their way! Well the horses thought that too!!

BRILLIANT!

2002-08-14T09:54:00.000Z

Watched the programme last night about childhood memories with Prof Winston. Again a brilliant piece of work. That man is a genuis and a natural educator. It started me thinking about how my childhood influenced me. We had no money and some fairly tough times and I am very unsettled when I have no income coming in! The theory is that when you can understand it you can deal with it!

2002-08-14T09:52:00.000Z

I have been listening to the debate about a possible war with Iraq and the removal of Sadaam Hussain. I am not convinced by any of the arguments put forward so far that there is any possible justification for this. I shudder everytime I listen to George W Bush - he is every bit the madman that he argues Sadaam is - why should the world be drawn into a dispute between two madmen who think they have the absolute answer to everything.

America has interfered in so many countries - they are absolutely convinced there is only one way - the American way. Do they learn nothing from organisations that copy what others do and find it doesn't work for them. Isn't part of the beauty of the world the differences between the parts of it? Why would we want everywhere to be just like home - or is that why McDonald's and Coke have taken over everywhere in the world that American's travel??

I am terrified by the way Tony Blair seems unable to make a decision that is right if it disagrees with W. Is he a man or a puppy? What has W got on him that he is so obedient. I didn't like what Margaret Thatcher did all together but at least she stood up to anyone who tried to drag this country into things rather than go in having thought it through.

2002-08-08T13:25:00.000Z

Watched the storm last night - some fabulous thunder and lightening. The cats were not very impressed but we switched off the tv and lights and sat and watched it. It just struck me how powerful and beautiful nature can be - and how much we underestimate the world we live in. At the natural history museum a couple of weeks ago I got to try out the "earthquake" - watching the weather last night just made me think how easy it would be for the earth to wipe out the human race. Perhaps mother nature sometimes feels like it might just be a pretty good idea to do so!!

2002-08-04T17:08:00.000Z

2002-07-29T20:55:00.000Z

Man its hot. Having spent the last few weeks bewailing the lack of summer it seems to have arrived all at once!! Have been " ankle biter" sitting for my friends 3 kids for 3 days - remind me again why I don't have any of my own!!!! Finally got them to bed ( and to sleep) on Thursday at 1am - not bad for a 7.30 curfew from mum eh? As a result I trailed 3 very tired little people round the natural history museum on Friday ( ok I was more tired than them). That place is magnificent. I have never done the Touristy stuff in London - is it because I live there or am I just a philistine? The dinasaur room was brill ( as were the cetaceans!!) and the new earth bit where you go up in an escalator to the centre of the earth is impressive. Finally got home with all 3 ( quiet ) kids and a cat with the hump as he had been in the vets for a few days having £172 ( yes ) worth of blood tests - only to be told he was suffering from old age!!! Well so am I and my husband tells me for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bed again was a bit past curfew = something to do with Auntie not getting her act together and feeding them till gone 9pm I suspect. Still by 11.30 pm they were sparko in bed and I was sparko on the sofa!! Actually once they went home on Sat I really missed them. It was great sitting out in the cool(er) bit of the evening surrounded by coke cans and the debris of the BBQ - felt like being on holiday in the med.... and we didn't have to spend a day at the airport waiting for a delayed plane to do it Best of all the fridge was close at hand full of Hagen Daas and white wine ............................................now this is living!

2002-07-24T07:52:00.000Z

Watched the latest programme in the Death series on Channel 4 last evening - which focused on the impact of people's attitude on how long they cope with their illness. They had 3 people who were bearing their illness as one of the things they had to cope with and showed how until they "gave up" and decided they had had enough they were able to "manage" their illness. One of the things that came through from all 3 was the importance of having short- medium term goals and focusing on them. It made me think about the times in my life when I have been able to cope with everything that has been thrown at me against those when I have sunk under something fairly trivial. It is true about life in general that if I have a goal to work to I am much more energised and "too busy" to wallow in anything that goes wrong. Someone once asked me how I coped with everything and I flippantly answered that I never took anything too seriously - nothing was going to cost anyone their life - and I never worried about anything. If I could change anything I did if I couldn't I didn;t worry about it just let it happen and dealt with it. I find it hard to understand people who worry - either act or chill.

The other bit I don't understand is procrastination - another feature of the brave souls from last night. If something has to be done get on and do it - I get really irritated by people who spend longer than it would take to do the task moaning about it or putting it off! Maybe I need to chill too!

2002-07-23T13:22:00.000Z

Have been doing some freelance work this last week which has funded some new carpets, curtains and furniture for the family pile. Carpet man came this morning and while he was measuring up in the bedrooms he remarked on how beautiful the view is from each of our bedroom windows. I sort of acknowledged it while trying to listen to On The Ropes ... but I have just been upstairs and glanced out of the window and it made me catch my breath.

We moved to this house ( which is far too big and totally impractical for two of us) because of the stunning views. We live in the corner of a large park which used to be the grounds to a local Elizabethan manor house. We have a tree lined avenue out of two of the windows which has squirrels and birds bounding around. When you open the curtains in a morning it is incredible watching the park given over to the wildlife. Through the avenue in the afternoons we can watch local teams playing cricket matches in the summer and in the winter Football matches.

Through the other window the park leads to a children;s playground and we get to watch and hear the laughter and chatter drifting up through the window.

I had forgotten how beautiful it was here - how calm and tranquil and how much I really wanted to be here. I have just phoned the carpet guy to place the order and to thank him for reminding me what was right under my nose!

2002-07-21T19:25:00.000Z

Went to see Minority Report last evening. Not usually into Hollywood Blockbusters - but TheSunday Times gave it a good write up so...... Anyway it turned out to be a really good film. For anyone who hasn't seen it essentially the Americans find a way of predicting murder and arresting and "freezing" people who are about to kill!!! ( Hang on what happened to justice?) The big moral message ( and isn't there always one from the good old US of A!) is that if you are a sentient being you have a choice!

Just a quickie for any listeners - one to go and see!

2002-07-10T08:32:00.000Z

It's a lovely sunny day today - amazing how the mood clears when the sun comes out.

I have to make a comment about the sale of weapons components to American companies knowing full well they are going into arms for Israel to use against the Palestinians. I am amazed that this Government thinks the people in the UK are so lacking in principles that so long as we are not directly trading it will be accepted. How can we possibly have a PM who goes round the world trying to be world president and preaching moral superiority to other nations when we are colluding in the repression and murder of innocent people in Palestine. Yes, some of them are "terrorists" but put yourself in their shoes - see the world from outside in. How would you feel if your homeland was taken away by a richer people supported by the most affluent and politically active countries in the world? You watched as the rich nation exploited your land and got richer and you got poorer? DId n't this country go into the second world was as a result of Adolf Hitler trying to do this in Poland???? What about those who gave their lives for this ethic?

Also cannot understand how we can stand by and let Robert Mugawbe lead his country from relative affluence to poverty, dicatorship and famine. Why was he allowed to stand on the platform at the UN and talk about child poverty - this man is creating it!!! I was impressed by the BBC journalist who was risking his life to report on the activities of the secret police in Zimbabwe last evening - this is what journalists do that adds value. They don't allow people to hide.

2002-07-08T21:08:00.000Z

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed as the little jokes we enjoyed together. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effort, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well"

I found this poem by Henry Scott Holland 1847 -1918 ( he was the canon of St Paul's Cathedral) which sort of continues my musing on attitudes to death. I read this at my father's funeral about 6 years ago and I know my mother has it in the funeral she has planned for herself. She is dying and though she half recognises it she refuses to actually acknowledge it but in planning the funeral and showing me what she wants I think she is half way there.

There is something about this poem that touches me - I am not religious but I believe that if we do good or evil in this life we leave behind an echo of that ( and of course the results of our actions). We live on in people's hearts and minds and by making it okay to talk about us we somehow stay with them. I still talk to my dad when I am unsure or uncertain ( mainly when I can't sleep at night and I am sitting in the dark downstairs so as not to wake any of the sleepers in the house with music on softly. How come in the wee small hours of the morning is when you wish you had the "answers" .. everything seems blackest around 2am ( its also when most people die apparantly).

There is another one somewhere about going gently into that good night - off to find it in my poetry book as I feel the need to read some stuff now

2002-07-05T09:37:00.000Z

I was listening to three people being interviewed on Wed on Radio 4 - they had all discovered people trying to do something against the odds - one was kids in Soweto trying to become an orchestra - and instead of writing a cheque and forgetting about it each of them had given up a relatively comfortable existance to actively help people to help themselves. It was interesting that each of them sounded faintly embarrassed at being praised for this by the reporter - switching the focus from themselves to the joint achievements they had helped to make happen. It rang a few bells for me - how often do we choose to do nothing because the problem is too big

I remember being in Amsterdam with a friend and walking abck to our hotel after a nice meal we were stopped by a dishelleved looking young man who asked for a few guilders to buy food. It was fairly late and dark and we were not in the safest or best lit part of town and my friend who was a street wise East End lad tried to pull me away in case the man attacked us. He told the man to go away and I almost allowed myself to be sucked into it. Just as he was turning away I grabbed his hand and pushed all the money I had on me into it. His face lit up and he thanked me - making off rapidly into the night. My friend was horrified - he pointed out that the young man was probably a drug addict given where we were and that I had probably given him my hard earned cash for his next fix. He was astounded when I agreed that this was probably what he would do but that given it was a cold and wet night this would probably give him some comfort and enable him to make it through to the next day. Alternatively he just might spend it on a bed for the night. I explained that he had asked me to help him in a small way and I had done very little other than choose to respond. However having handed over that money it was up to him how he used the gift I had given him - no business of mine any more. I tried to explain that I understood I couldn't change the world - but that I could give him the chance to change HIS world!

It sort of occurred to me that too many times we do nothing because we can't solve the whole problem - yet time and time again I hear stories like the ones on Radio 4 where people did something to enable a few people to change their world and had great results. .

2002-07-03T14:05:00.000Z

I was watching the programme on Death on Channel 4 last evening. It is pretty pertinant as my mother is currently in hospital with an adverse reaction to chemotherapy which almost killed her last week. She has been on her own for 5 years now since my father died and refuses to move closer than the 150 miles away that she lives. She has known for 3 years that she has a secondary cancer and is often complaining that now she is ill she has little to live for. Yet, having been told the cancer has spread to her liver she has opted for chemo - which is making her even more unwell. I draw a parallel with the elderly lady on the programme last evening. They both profess to believe in God and the afterlife and yet they seem to be prepared to do anything to put off meeting their God. Even the commentator questioned this last night. What surprised me is that the young woman who was an atheist was the one who had least problem with accepting death and trading quality of life with her little girl and husband rather than go through chemo for a few months more. Is it the older that people get the less certain they get of their religion? Is that why the suicide bombers tend to be young people?

Given my family history of cancer I have made my decisions about how I will make my trades should ( or probably when) the time comes. I have made my husband aware of this as I wanted to have the discussion while there was little emotional energy involved. This leads me to living wills - if we make them when we are fit and well and can have them lodged with a lawyer does this give them more validity? What happens if we change our mind when the time comes? I was horrified at what the courts condemned Diane Blood to - having heard her interviewed on Radio 4 I was struck by how intelligently she was able to articulate her decisions and yet as a race we took it on ourselves to forbid her to make that decision. Is this playing God??